Wednesday was my "chemo class" day at the oncologist's office. They do these classes weekly to get everyone informed at the same time about the do's and don'ts of chemo (and there are a lot of them!). There were four of us crowded into a small room with our "care giver" as they were called (spouse, friend, child). The nurse teaching the class as been in oncology for many years so she had an excellent background and was a wealth of information. We each received a packet of information about the chemo "cocktail" we were going to receive along with a lot of information on "when to call the doctor" and other informational pieces.
My chemtherapy will take 4 hours. Most treatments are about that long with some being longer. One gentleman in the group who appeared to be in his mid-forties, reminded me of my "little" brother Allen. This guy appeared to be a corporate guy who had a lot of things going on. (He showed up 10 minutes late.) His treatment will take 6 hours. You could see the frustration on his face when they told him this. His first question "can I bring my laptop?". He was pleased when he was told that he could. I stared at him for a minute in disbelief. I wanted to say "where are your priorities" and "how do you think you got here in the first place"? If his treatment takes 6 hours he has either a nastier type of cancer or it is in more advanced stages. It's funny how you look at things when you are on "this side". I'd like to think that Allen is a little more in touch with his priorities! He has 3 great kids and great kids don't happen accidentally.
If you enjoy reading things on Dr. Internet (WebMD) these are the three types of chemo I will be receiving: Cytoxan, Taxotere, and Adriamycin (aka the red devil - it seems to me that they should all have some catchy name like that since they are all very devilish on your system but Adriamycin is actually red in color).
Of the four people in the room I was the only one with breast cancer. I was actually a little surprised since it seems to effect so many people. My packet was also the thickest. I am certainly seeing the benefit of those Susan G. Koman fundraisers. I received so much information and helpful information about breast cancer. I like to know what I'm dealing with and how something like this can spread and all of the treatment options. It was great information. There are also so many resources available now online. Many very useful links were included in my packet of information.
The most difficult part of the class for me was when the instructor went around the room and pointed at each of us (except for one older gentleman who didn't have much hair anyway!) and said "you will lose your hair" and "you will lose your hair", and so on.
I guess I knew all along that there was a pretty good chance that if I had chemo I would lose my hair. I kept thinking of those well-meaning friends who would say to me that not everyone loses their hair. Well, that bubble was burst last week. I don't know why I can make a decision to have a double mastectomy so easily (which, by the way, won't grow back) and be so devastated about losing my hair (which will grow back)!
There is so much about being diagnosed and treated for cancer that is emotional. I can manage the pain of the surgeries and work through the physical therapy to stretch my arms but dealing with the disfigurement of my body and hair loss isn't something that a pill can fix.
I took a day after my class and did something I'm not good at doing. I let myself grieve for what I've lost and for what I'm about to go through. Actually, it was really more of a self-pity day but it felt good. There hasn't been time or I haven't allowed myself time to go to the dark side and really feel what it is I'm going through. I knew I wouldn't like the dark side so I kept telling myself not to go there. I spent about a day reading, researching, and crying. I then had to tell myself that I'm into something that I can't control so I need to do what I have to and get through this. I've now been to the dark side and I came out on the other side! I'm ready to get started on chemo and get this next step behind me!
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