Wig Shopping Day Was AWESOME!!

Once I moved on from acceptance to action I made plans for a wig shopping day with my friend Sarah. Sarah is a pretty up-beat person and she had been pushing me for this wig shopping day. Finally in my best defeatist tone of voice I agreed to go.

The plan was to meet at her house then we would go to a place called "The Brighter Side". She had made me an appointment to meet with someone for a private fitting. The Brighter Side is in Solana Beach and specializes is all types of breast cancer survivor apparel, wigs, makeup, you name it! It was the perfect place for me.

To back up a minute, when I went to Sarah's house she presented me with this huge gift basket. She had emailed people at work asking for donations to put together a gift basket for me before I started chemo. Did I mention how awesome Sarah is? Well, the donations started coming in and coming in as you would expect from the wonderful people I work with at Peregrine. The gift basket included all of my favorite bath products, special lotions and cleanser that are helpful when your skin dries from chemo and radiation. The softest blanket I've ever felt, magazines, soft booties, and a little pink beanie that I will need to keep my head warm at night after I lose my hair. There were also some gift cards. I've been told that some of the possible burning sensations during chemo can be averted with ice of better yet Jamba Juice. There were two Jamba Juice gifts cards included. The most unbelievable part of this were the three $500 American Express gift cards! My co-workers wanted to pay for my hair!! These are the best people ever. They knew how I was dreading the hair loss that comes with chemo. So, when we went off to do our wig shopping the only problem I had was holding back the tears from the generosity of the wonderful people I work with!

P.S. I ended up buying two wigs and some head scarves. No, I didn't buy a blonde, red, long, or pink wig as were suggested to me. I stayed with a more conservative look!

Chemo Class - Can you believe they have such a thing?

Wednesday was my "chemo class" day at the oncologist's office. They do these classes weekly to get everyone informed at the same time about the do's and don'ts of chemo (and there are a lot of them!). There were four of us crowded into a small room with our "care giver" as they were called (spouse, friend, child). The nurse teaching the class as been in oncology for many years so she had an excellent background and was a wealth of information. We each received a packet of information about the chemo "cocktail" we were going to receive along with a lot of information on "when to call the doctor" and other informational pieces.

My chemtherapy will take 4 hours. Most treatments are about that long with some being longer. One gentleman in the group who appeared to be in his mid-forties, reminded me of my "little" brother Allen. This guy appeared to be a corporate guy who had a lot of things going on. (He showed up 10 minutes late.) His treatment will take 6 hours. You could see the frustration on his face when they told him this. His first question "can I bring my laptop?". He was pleased when he was told that he could. I stared at him for a minute in disbelief. I wanted to say "where are your priorities" and "how do you think you got here in the first place"? If his treatment takes 6 hours he has either a nastier type of cancer or it is in more advanced stages. It's funny how you look at things when you are on "this side". I'd like to think that Allen is a little more in touch with his priorities! He has 3 great kids and great kids don't happen accidentally.

If you enjoy reading things on Dr. Internet (WebMD) these are the three types of chemo I will be receiving: Cytoxan, Taxotere, and Adriamycin (aka the red devil - it seems to me that they should all have some catchy name like that since they are all very devilish on your system but Adriamycin is actually red in color).

Of the four people in the room I was the only one with breast cancer. I was actually a little surprised since it seems to effect so many people. My packet was also the thickest. I am certainly seeing the benefit of those Susan G. Koman fundraisers. I received so much information and helpful information about breast cancer. I like to know what I'm dealing with and how something like this can spread and all of the treatment options. It was great information. There are also so many resources available now online. Many very useful links were included in my packet of information.

The most difficult part of the class for me was when the instructor went around the room and pointed at each of us (except for one older gentleman who didn't have much hair anyway!) and said "you will lose your hair" and "you will lose your hair", and so on.

I guess I knew all along that there was a pretty good chance that if I had chemo I would lose my hair. I kept thinking of those well-meaning friends who would say to me that not everyone loses their hair. Well, that bubble was burst last week. I don't know why I can make a decision to have a double mastectomy so easily  (which, by the way, won't grow back) and be so devastated about losing my hair (which will grow back)!

There is so much about being diagnosed and treated for cancer that is emotional. I can manage the pain of the surgeries and work through the physical therapy to stretch my arms but dealing with the disfigurement of my body and hair loss isn't something that a pill can fix.

I took a day after my class and did something I'm not good at doing. I let myself grieve for what I've lost and for what I'm about to go through. Actually, it was really more of a self-pity day but it felt good. There hasn't been time or I haven't allowed myself time to go to the dark side and really feel what it is I'm going through. I knew I wouldn't like the dark side so I kept telling myself not to go there. I spent about a day reading, researching, and crying. I then had to tell myself that I'm into something that I can't control so I need to do what I have to and get through this. I've now been to the dark side and I came out on the other side! I'm ready to get started on chemo and get this next step behind me!

One little step backwards.

I had a small step backwards this week. I saw the plastic surgeon on Wednesday for my weekly followup. He didn't like the looks of the skin on the left breast (that's the "good" side). It was very red and warm to the touch indicating it was possibly infection. He also looked at the drainage hole and saw the tissue that now looked like a deflated blister. He very proudly says "we can take care of that". He then gets out a container of what looks like match sticks. They were actually silver nitrate. He rubbed a few of those around that area and it literally burned off the tissue - gross! That small area burned like fire for the next 5-6 hours until it turned black and fell off - double gross!

The doctor wanted to see what was going on in the reddish area so he stuck a very small needle (it really didn't stick when he said I would feel a stick) into the red area and drew out some clear fluid. He thought it was only fluid and decided to wait a couple more days to see if it cleared up.

When I went back on Friday that small area where he put in the needle was now a white, puffy area that looked like a large pimple. I went back to the doctor where he stuck in another needle only this time the fluid was white and cloudy indicating it was infection. Back to the hospital I went.

Friday night at 8:30 p.m. I went back into the same operating room with one of the nurses who was there last time and remembered me. That's really sad when the pre- and post-op nurses remember you. The plastic surgeon went in and removed the tissue expander altogether and decided to leave it out until I'm done with chemo and radiation.

My good friends Sarah AND Jessie went with me to the doctor. Jessie then took me to the hospital, waited until the surgery was over then came back home with me and spent the night. Sarah came over this morning to take over the second shift and keep me company. I really do have the best friends in the world!

Today I feel very well. I think my pain level is lower than when I went in for surgery. I'm back on antibiotics and will see the plastic surgeon again next week.

All things considered, it probably was best to put off any more of the reconstruction process until I'm finished with treatment. I need to get started on chemo since it's been more than a month since the first surgery. Next week I have "chemo class" on Wednesday. This is a training session the oncologist's office does for all new chemo patients. It's a chance for them to ask questions and see what happens during the chemo process. It will be good. As much as I'm not looking forward to the possible side effects, I am anxious to get started and get this behind me.

Next weekend I'm going shopping for a wig! I'm really dreading the possibility of losing my hair but yet when I talk about it, it seems really petty that I would be stressing over something like hair. If chemo will prevent future cancers then I'm ready to do this!

Another step closer to chemo.

I had the port put in yesterday for chemo. The surgeon freaked me out a little before surgery. Since the drainage hole on the left side is still draining and the breast is somewhat red, he is concerned about infection. If there is infection it could go directly to the port in which case it needs to come out immediately.

I took this information and immediately started worrying about it when I got home. I was checking it in the mirror every couple of hours. I woke up twice during the night to take pain pills and had to turn on a light so I could see if it was red! Maybe I'm a little overly cautious but hey, I have never been through this before.

Today it looks fine, just a little bruised and sore.

Once again it's been great having awesome friends! After temporarily stopping the meal service my co-workers had established (at my request) they started again on Friday. I have more food in my refrigerator that I won't need to cook anything the rest of the week! Not only that but for yesterday's surgery I had to be at the hospital at 5:45 a.m. for a 7:30 a.m. surgery. My dear friend Sarah who I can always count on, arrived at my house about 5:20 and drove me to the hospital. She had to be at work that morning by 8:30 so another long-time friend, Linda, did the hand off at the hospital and stayed until I was ready to come home.

Linda and I also work together and I know that much of her work can be done from home. She spent the rest of the day AND NIGHT with me to make sure all was well. The hospital required that someone be with me for the first 24 hours. Linda was working away in my little home office while I napped, etc. Shadow also knows and likes Linda because she gives her treats and takes her for walks so we were all happy that Linda was here! Gosh I have a LOT of good friends!

I'm riding a roller coaster!

That past couple of weeks have been a roller coast ride. I saw the plastic surgeon last week who took out the remaining two drains. I now get very nervous when they take out drains because of the fluid that backs up if there is too much drainage. He also put more fluid into my tissue expanders which is never pleasant. The last time I had that done I got very achy all over and ran a low-grade fever. I spent the entire day stressing about how I was going to feel that evening! When I told the doctor about it he had no explanation for why I was having that reaction. He did say I could take Advil for the fever. I went home prepared to fight off the achiness AND any fever. I took some preemptive Advil and went to bed. As the evening went on I continued to feel alright with no fever and only minimal achiness. I learned two things in this experiment: 1) Advil CAN be your best medicine; 2) many times the body will do what the mind tells it to do!

My home health nurse came a couple of days later because I developed what looked like a blister at the site where the drain had been removed on the left side. It was VERY tender and I was still having a lot of drainage. The nurse looked at it and said "they did it again" meaning in his opinion they took the drains out too soon. In the process of removing the drain and the pressure from the fluid in the breast, there was subcutaneous tissue forced out of the drainage hole. Essentially it was a cluster of nerve endings. Eventually the drainage will stop and the tissue will dry leaving a scar. The drainage has slowed and the "blister" has already started to decrease in size. In the meantime it only adds to the pain level and discomfort. I wouldn't be able to use words to describe my home health nurse except to say that he is not without words. He also refers to the insurance company as "those bastards"! He is also very knowledgeable and explains things on a non-doctor level which I really appreciate. He explained to me that my body is going through a similar experience as that of an amputee. (I guess technically that's what a mastectomy is.) The body goes through trauma and shock trying to re-adjust to the missing parts. He feels that everytime I get these saline injections into the tissue expanders, it causes my body to have a reaction to the trauma all over again. When I put this procedure into that perspective, it all makes sense. What a learning experience this has been!

Since the drains were removed I was cleared to have the port-a-catheter put in so I can start chemotherapy.

Through everything there have only been three times that I really felt like falling apart over this entire process. The first time came as you might expect, the day I got the news that it was breast cancer. I think everyone asks themself "why me", "how did this happen", and "what should I expect". I asked these questions and occasionally still ask them. The second breakdown I had was the first time I looked at myself in the mirror after surgery and saw what had actually been done. I had seen pictures of both single and double mastectomies so I had some expectations of what it would look like. Seeing it on myself was completely different. It wasn't so much attractive vs unattractive as it was the reaction you have to any extensive surgery that looks bloody and bruised with the occasional staple.

My most recent breakdown was the day the home nurse told me what was going on with the "blister" at the drainage site. After he left I was in a lot of pain and concerned that I would have to have surgery again because of the drainage. I would imagine there will be a lot more days like this one with the upcoming chemo treatments but knowning that I haven't even gotten to chemo yet is concerning. Once I pulled myself together and took a nap, I woke up feeling better and told myself that tomorrow will be a new day that will be much better.....and it was!

Back on track again.

The surgery went well on Thursday. Marsha is here with me and will be staying for an additional week. Marsha's husband (my brother) Lyle came on Thursday as well so they were both with me at the hospital and drove me home afterwards. They were troopers. I had to be at the hospital at 1:30 p.m. with the surgery scheduled for 3:30. The surgery got started about 5:00 p.m. and took an hour. They kept me for another couple of hours after surgery before letting me go home. We finally got home around 8:30 p.m. It was a long day or all of us.

If you've had surgery before you know that you can't eat or drink anything after midnight the night before. They let me have a piece of toast at 5:30 a.m. but nothing more the rest of the day. By the time we got to the hospital I was starving and a little cranky. The first thing I see at the hospital is a big poster with a nice cup of coffee and some pretty muffins! I was ready to lick that poster!

Lyle left yesterday to go back to Virginia. He had business in Southern California so it worked out well that he could be here.

Back to surgery.

My home care nurse came for a visit on Saturday of last week and noticed some swelling on the lower left-side of the left breast. In case you are keeping track, this was the non-malignant side. I saw the doctor on Monday and he put me back on antibiotics. I had a regular appointment scheduled for Wednesday. When I saw him on Wednesday the swelling and redness had not gone down and the upper side looked bruised as if there was some internal bleeding. So, today I'm going back in for surgery to relieve the swelling and clean up any internal bleeding.

The right breast (malignant side) looked very purple and dark along the incision line. I was told this was because there was very little tissue left under the skin because they take as much as they can to make sure they got all of the cancer and good clean margins. Some of that area isn't adhering so they are going to clean up some of that dead skin during surgery to relieve the swelling on the left side.

It should be a relatively short surgery but it's still a surgery with general anesthesia. I'm a little disappointed but I think once this is done I will heal up much faster.

I'm going in this afternoon for surgery at 3:30 p.m. I'm really grateful that my sister-in-law Marsha is here yet this week to run me to all of these doctor appointments and now the hospital.

I'll provide more updates after surgery.